it hurts that you don't even try (once more)

i'm starting to feel afraid. afraid of waiting for something to happen. i think i'm afraid to be happy, because whenever i get too happy, something bad always happens. there are certain people who come into my life, and leave a mark. their place in my heart is tender. just hearing your name pushes and pulls at me in a hundred way, and when i try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to myself, words are useless. sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. perhaps my eyes just need to be washed with my tears once in a while, so that i can see life with a clearer view again. i know, childish, to cry over small things but these small things affects me in big ways. sometimes i look at our past messages and i cry thinking to myself how nice it was when you were around. i've never cried over a friend, you're the first i suppose. i've waited like a fool long enough, i don't want to regret again, i don't want to repeat the same mistake for the third time. i wanted everything to stay the same but i guess, feelings fade and people change. i hope you never forget me, i hope you never regret me. please anybody reading this, please don't judge me, you don't know what i've been through. you may have heard about the stories, but you've never did once felt what i felt in my heart. you'll never understand why i hurt so much because you're not the one who is crying, you're not the one who is left behind, you're not the one who loved too much, and you're not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone.

i'm not regretting this, i know i won't.