mixed feelings, about almost everything. God, school, friends, relationships, feelings, insecurities, the emptiness inside and life. I should be stronger than this but i just feel weird and uneasy about literally everything. not that everything is going wrong but i just honestly think that i'm ruining myself. really? what's wrong with me? all this time is passing by and i think it's time to just move on. I guess i'm just casually sad, you know? just casual, about everything, just wondering when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened, just seeing the people in my life break one by one. all this problems, distractions, dramas, stories and mess, it's just hiding inside of me and i'm on the verge of bursting.
School? school's starting tomorrow and i'm not even sure about anything. my homework, am i even suppose to do them since i'm retaining? am i even going to have a single friend? am i going to fit in? who's my new teacher? new environment, new people, new lifestyle oh crap this is weirder than it seems. i can't imagine having recess alone or something along that line. my determination to work hard(er) might seem to go to waste because my study talk is always cheap, just expecting the worse. hoping to say goodbye to past mistakes and hello to new beginnings.
Bryan my best friend randomly called just now, and suddenly that vibe hit me. i really miss him a lot, as a best friend. we rarely call each other "best friends" anymore and i just really miss him. i want him back and don't i matter anymore? I'm your pal, i'm your best friend. our Universal plans were ruined because you were too busy with ACJC and stuff, i just want you back bff.
i can't help but just miss you, a little bit, just a tiny little bit. i mean truly, aching in bottom-of-your-heart pain what i can't ignore? that's how i feel, i think about you a lot more than i probably should and this is so terribly sinful and wrong. I hate the the times when i want something so bad i can trick myself in to believing it can happen, even when common sense tells me to give up. maybe you'll come back? but on the other hand, i truly love you. i want you to be the only boy that i love for the rest of my life. I love you. I always have and i always will, from the very start. When i met you i fell in love with you smile, you eyes, just you. I love you. but all i know right now is that i can't seem to control my feelings, it's shaky. bare with me pls.
so, this is my life. I want everybody to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be.
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