Half heartedly

You're one of the most important people in my life, ever, in my world. but i'm honestly not sure how long we're going to drag this thing, i'm not sure how long i can stand this crap and i'm honestly on the verge of letting go. everyday it's like "please please please please please let me get what i want this time" and i hope and hope and hope and hope and hope and expect and expect and expect and expect, and finally, bam! bull shit and all the tears just starts flowing out. I can't keep being your second choice, not when you're my first.  my thought of you has been crippling me and i wish i could put all these thoughts in a jar and i honestly have no idea what i'm doing with my life. i have an undecided heart, and it is searching for an escape. I just want to be happy again, happy again with you. I need to stop living in doubt and know that this is true for me, i want everything to make sense with you and i want to go to sleep/wake up in the morning with a purpose, i don't want to fade away.