whispered promises

TGIF went back to school to lepak today since the whole level was out for camp. played Monopoly deal in the library with Isabel, Jasmine, Joan, Jerilyn, Desih and some others. met up the boys for lunch at Boon keng before heading to Xavier's house, played a few rounds of Monopoly deal. I had a really fun and crazy time with them :-) met up my aunt at Dhoby, took a cab with her to Big splash to have seafood family dinner, surprised grandfather with a cake!!! celebrated his 67th birthday, woo hoo to Friday.

Screw the distance, you should be here

I miss B so much, not just because he's away right now but i just miss every bit of him. I miss the bond we shared, the comfortable feeling i have with him. Where we could talk for hours about everything, anything and not have a problem with the silence in the middle or even falling asleep. all the ridiculous stuff we would do, stupid or not, everything was just so fun. endless nights, real talks, the "remember when . . ." i remember it all and now i feel so empty with out him. three missed calls, two text messages i left for you when you're all the way in freaking Kuala and you don't even bother to try leaving a message? so much so that your mum has to call me to ask if you contacted me because she was so worried you misplaced your phone. you give me that sense of uneasiness and insecurity i never want to imagine. _|_ this feelings, was never so paranoid over some guy before, oh not just any guy, but my boyfriend. guess what? these few days that you're gone was the time where i needed you the most. not just in school. Just know that wherever you are, i miss you and i wish you were here.

We're so young and free

in that moment, i swear we were infinite

soft as thunder

woke up early to have breakfast with Pia at the airport, heart to heart with dad which really made me cry non stop. i'm in such a dilemma now and if only B was here with me, i'm sure his presence will definitely make me feel better. sent Jac off and i truly hope she'll have a safe trip back to the United Kingdom. met Min ying! watched The Tourist, Angeline Jolie is sure a beauty!!!!!! played Monopoly deal while sipping Hot Chocolate in Starbucks, ah nice. piano lesson and family dinner, came home, played Monopoly deal with mum! Monopoly deal is my best friend hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!

i feel lost inside myself

oh hi there i'm here to declare that . . . i really miss . . . lucky charms!!!!! argh seriously, miss it like oh my goodness! today wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, although my morning was ruined by my mother who woke me up from my sleep. bad swollen eyes, didn't even dare take a single picture! happily met up Gabriel and Aric for lunch at Bishan. Aric and i walked Gab home and the two of us got caught in the heavy rain but we were like terrible fools happily running in it harrrrr! went to see the doctor opposite his house before walking in the rain, again. was soaking wet but had an enjoyable day!

i remember too much

"2011 already sucks" hell yes it does, sounds familiar Twitty birds? I twit that not long ago, dad came barging in the room "WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE ABOUT YOUR LIFE, DIDN'T I JUST SPOKE TO YOU IN THE MORNING? WHY ARE YOU SO NEGATIVE? oh and why did you tweet that i ate your chips?" sometimes it really sucks to have parents cooler than you, and i just blocked them from Twitter because it's annoying me. my life is seriously on a exciting roller coaster, it's tough. I want to start all over, from the very beginning. honestly speaking? i don't fit in at all, i've been lying to myself for the whole of today that i'll find friends, soon, in this class. can i start over? can we start over? just let us start it over again and this time we'll get it, get it right. it's like so much stuff piling up and i don't think i can handle it anymore. B's leaving for Kuala tomorrow and we're going to take a break, a relationship break from each other. hopefully things will be better after that, may God be with me.

Open your heart, close your eyes

School was worse than i expected, not really fitting in to the new class. still awesomely glad that i have true friends standing by me, happiest time in school today was probably looking and eating my bowl of delicious YTF, more happy than ever. hah really miss it, it's been two months!!! 

Joan and i were suppose to go for dim sum at Holland but we were kind of full so we decided to head to Potong Pasir to surprise Bernard. plan failed, we told him "we want to eat macs, buy from your school area then come meet us?" he took the bus, hit the expressway intending to go to Serene to buy macs instead T_T thank goodness we called him though it was kind of too late. so happy to see ma braaaather, Rudi before he leaves for Malaysia tomorrow ^.^ and say hi to Xavier, still looking as cute as before, especially his high pitch voice - must maintain uh! check out Bernard and my whining face, awesome pawsome. went over to Ikea with B, met the girls for a while before heading to his parent's place. nap time was productive!! going to miss the boys when they leave tmr, hope they'll have a safe trip and return soon ;) Ambz bought me Ray bans, ha ha sweet.

enough love to change the colors of the sky

sometimes i just wish i wouldn't see the things i don't have to see, then maybe, sadness wouldn't exactly exist. third of January sucks, last day of the holidays, had lunch at Shokudo with Music director Mervyn, Natasha, Zachary and Kenneth. met up Gabriel, Shaun, Neal, Aric, Bernard and Min ying after the boys had their hair cut, ha ha ha B looks pretty cute with Bangs!! went over to Aric's house before having dinner with Gab, Neal, Bernard and Min ying @ Bishan while waiting for my uniform to be altered. looking forward to school tmr? not really but have a good day at school tmr everybody :-)

Faking happiness?

mixed feelings, about almost everything. God, school, friends, relationships, feelings, insecurities, the emptiness inside and life. I should be stronger than this but i just feel weird and uneasy about literally everything. not that everything is going wrong but i just honestly think that i'm ruining myself. really? what's wrong with me? all this time is passing by and i think it's time to just move on. I guess i'm just casually sad, you know? just casual, about everything, just wondering when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened, just seeing the people in my life break one by one. all this problems, distractions, dramas, stories and mess, it's just hiding inside of me and i'm on the verge of bursting.

School? school's starting tomorrow and i'm not even sure about anything. my homework, am i even suppose to do them since i'm retaining? am i even going to have a single friend? am i going to fit in? who's my new teacher? new environment, new people, new lifestyle oh crap this is weirder than it seems. i can't imagine having recess alone or something along that line. my determination to work hard(er) might seem to go to waste because my study talk is always cheap, just expecting the worse. hoping to say goodbye to past mistakes and hello to new beginnings.

Bryan my best friend randomly called just now, and suddenly that vibe hit me. i really miss him a lot, as a best friend. we rarely call each other "best friends" anymore and i just really miss him. i want him back and don't i matter anymore? I'm your pal, i'm your best friend. our Universal plans were ruined because you were too busy with ACJC and stuff, i just want you back bff.

i can't help but just miss you, a little bit, just a tiny little bit. i mean truly, aching in bottom-of-your-heart pain what i can't ignore? that's how i feel, i think about you a lot more than i probably should and this is so terribly sinful and wrong. I hate the the times when i want something so bad i can trick myself in to believing it can happen, even when common sense tells me to give up. maybe you'll come back? but on the other hand, i truly love you. i want you to be the only boy that i love for the rest of my life. I love you. I always have and i always will, from the very start. When i met you i fell in love with you smile, you eyes, just you. I love you. but all i know right now is that i can't seem to control my feelings, it's shaky. bare with me pls.

so, this is my life. I want everybody to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

a little fragile

i guess i'm really treasuring the last few days of my precious holidays, i mean, who isn't? living life to the fullest this few days, happy and contented :-) celebrated Min's birthday after church, what a surprise! had a picnic dinner after the party with her, Gab, Neal, Shaun, Josh Jeya, Jin yi, Bernard, Sissy and Aric. though some left after a while. "speaking the truth", feeding the cat food, four minutes talk, extremely awkward moments, slow walk to drag time, police check for gathering outside the mrt and super long draggy talks before boarding ha ha ha amazing bunch of friends. mixed feelings about school though, hmm

to the moon and back

Happy new year, everybody! I'm so grateful for the past year, excited to start this year well. Yuppies met B in the afternoon, went over to my aunt's office to collect my residential stuff before heading over to his house. Family dinner @ Trader's hotel with Bestie's and Sissy's family, the food was shiok x 10000 woo hoo. left back home to meet Dexter, Bernard, Neal, Shaun, Jin yi, Gabriel and Min ying :-) it was like some crazy underage club at my place rofl hung around the play area till late morning before catching some sleep and we all woke up at seven am to swim. had a lot of fun despite all the residential and guard complaints. pushing each other in to the pool, ramping balls in to neighbor's windows, watching the boys wrestle, playing water polo, sun tanning and playing catching - we all sure had a good time! left the cove for lunch before heading to town!! we met up with Josh lee and i missed him so much, he bought me a Juicy couture jacket from the States! Neal, Gab, Josh, Bernard and i caught Gulliver's Travel, woo hoo went shopping afterwards . . . unproductive though, took an hour nap with B, missed family's dinner and had cup noodles with him by the club, what a great way to start and end the year!!